Last Updated on December 9, 2020 by Scott M. Thomas
Below you’ll find some funny but meaningful quotes that are great to hear and enjoying to implement. You can use these quotes as Instagram captions if you want.
These quotes are sarcastic but inspirational. Hope you’ll enjoy it.
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.” – Criss Jami
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” – Criss Jami
“He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.” – Carroll Bryant
“The enemy is stupid: he believes that the enemy is us, even though it’s him!”
“It’s worrying: every day there are more and more foreigners in the World…”
“The more I know the human being, the more I love my dog.”
“The more I know women, the less I love my female dog”
“Women don’t want to carry a gun, it’s the deepest proof of superiority over men”
“Between a bad cook and a poisoner, there is just a difference of intention.”
“If there is no science, who of them could take benefits from his cancer for more than five years?”
“When a philosopher answers me, I don’t understand my question anymore!”
“Without tails, no heads.”
“Intelligence is the only way for someone to evaluate his misfortune.”
“The aspirations of poor people are not so far away from the reality of rich people.”
“You can laugh off everything, but not with everybody.” – Pierre Desproges
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”
“Passwords are like Underwear, you shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers.”
“The similarity between Americans and Africans is that they both are always hungry.”
“Consider the postage stamp: Its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’till it gets there.” – Josh Billings
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“If you want to be successful in business, look around at what all the average people are doing… and don’t do that.”
“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.” – Conan O’Brien
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!” – Conan O’Brien
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.” – Anonymous
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau
“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Wilhelm II
Recommended reading – Top 57 Adventure Quotes For Kids That Everyone Should Know!
Funny But Meaningful Quotes About Life
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
“I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.” – Anonymous
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
“There is only one reason to speak to an ugly woman – it’s for asking her if among their friends there is a pretty girl.”
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel
“If it’s always the best things that die first, what should we think about premature ejaculators?”
“All in life is a matter of choice. Did it start by breastfeeding or bottle nipples? and it will end by oak wood or pine wood?”
Funny But Meaningful Inspirational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley
“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison
“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.” – Robert Downey Jr.
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” – Audrey Hepburn
“When I was 16, I thought my parents knew nothing. When I was 21, I was shocked to discover how much they had picked up in the last 5 years.”
“Hating someone is like spitting forward
while riding a motorcycle.”
“What’s your problem with Adolf Hitler? Is it the painter or the writer that you don’t like?”
“Heroism is the only way to become famous if you have no talent”
“Grown-ups don’t believe in Santa Claus. They vote.”
Wanna read more inspirational writing? These two pieces of writing are only for you –
70+ Best Anchor Quotes & Sayings
70+ Amazing Hang In There Quotes
Enjoy!
